Orazmyrat Myradow

A kid that still enjoyed the privilege of being carried around. Father who was walking with his little son sitting on his shoulders. Mother was next to them feeling proud and happy. Lovely scene…

Sometimes a person can accidentally come across what he’s looking for. Sometimes during an easy walk you can find the line that crosses your soul, the one you couldn’t locate in the most meaningful of books.

I suppose that’s what happened to me. While walking the concrete pavements of my neighborhood, a family- father, mother and their little offspring -passed by me, and I heard, “Mom, I am even bigger than you now!” I’m sure, the kid said the same thing many times before and after. But I heard it right there and then. Perhaps, it only took a moment for the words to get stuck in my head filling up my ear-holes, because for a while I felt like those words threw me off to a completely different dimension, different world…

Just as an infamous character of local folk tales goes flying on a magical bird through the magical world, I turned into a little kid sitting on my father’s shoulders riding through a different magical world. I was happy, but I expressed my happiness slightly differently than that kid: “Father, are we going to see mother?” Indeed, it seemed that he was taking me to the days I hadn’t seen before, the days with my mother: he was taking me to yesterday. My hope sparked like a lightning flash on a bright sunny day: “We’ll turn right from that street, and we are there”. Nothing! “We’ll just go over these hills, and far ahead my mom will show up like a mirage.” Nothing! Or no! I was mirage, but I didn’t see mom.

We had walked a lot… I thought father was tired of walking this much, but it wasn’t that. I was sitting on his shoulders for so long that I already grew up. So much time passed, but I didn’t even notice. My head was all the way up to my father’s shoulders. He put his hand on my head and sent me off on to the rest of the way.

All after that there was no searching. To be fair, all that was before wasn’t searching either. Was it reminiscing? Perhaps it was… or perhaps it was just a random flow of thoughts in my brain. Sometimes a thought drops off its drawer as if it’s an alive book (that reads, but that’s not to be read), and starts learning, reading through my mind. This is not an isolated occurrence, and it does take a while to go through, an hour maybe, a day, a month. Sometimes it takes a whole lifetime. Maybe, this one is a thought that takes a whole lifetime (an alive book). On the other hand, it may be as brief as life. At first glance, it all can be summed up in 8 words similar to the ones that popped up in my ear when that kid spoke to his mother. But then again, it’s as long as a red sting, a line that stretches through the eternity…

Perhaps, as if the strings of Dutar (national musical instrument) whose music touches your soul, those are strings that compose the music of life…

“Mom, I am even bigger than you now!” I tried to hum these words along with that music. It takes more than one line to hum a song, though. I shall find the rest. But the lines aren’t some mushrooms that you can find by looking for a little while. Perhaps the whole song is summed in that one line. Whatever you may want to add after that feels unfitting. It doesn’t fit into any logical rhyme. The song would require some bending and stretching. Such a hum and such a song can only be sung by a free-minded child swinging from his father’s shoulders.

Sitting consumed by these thoughts, and writing them down, probably makes me look somewhat similar to that kid. So let it be. As odd as it may seem, if only I could say the same words with the same excitement… if only. However, I might have to say them, or sing them in a different way. In order to do that I will have to use father’s very old music player sitting in corner of my room, and play my beloved music “Kechpelek” (musical piece describing the hardships and tragedy): “Mom, I am even bigger than you now! And not just a little older, I have outgrown you 3-4 years. Famous Sufi poet Ahmad Yasawi hesitated to live longer than Prophet Mohammed and lived out his last days, his last moments under ground. I feel hesitant to be older than you…”

Player must be broken because only that’s playing is the first line of “Kechpelek”: “Look at all the wreck that’s been done”… Quite sad.

Nevertheless, it might as well be a sign for me that I shouldn’t try to fit those words into “Kechpelek”. Perhaps, I should see if those words fit into something more lighthearted that a kid swinging around his parents shoulder could sing, making his parents proud… something like “Heyjanelek” (lighthearted musical piece representing happy childhood).

Translated by Kerwenmyrat Myradow